being left behind

Dear diary,

it happened, the boy and not me! broke our relations. And here i find myself behaving like a proper Christian. If you are hit, present another part of your body to be hit too. Something like this was told in the New Testament. Actually i do not like the thing. Much more i like old Testament with their eye for eye.

Sadly sometimes we behave against our own principles.
I was dropped and what do i fucking do? I say that i love him. Disgustingly sweet and slobber! I can't even berate myself, cause a part of me really loves him. Oh, i always knew that the fucking love will bring me only troubles. Why can't it die like any bloody biological thing? I allowed myself to fell in love only once, and what a mess has it turned my life into? Destroyed my relations with L., plus i couldn't have any normal relations for a long time cause i felt that something was amiss!
No, no more love from my side. Never. I'll call Slava or Sasha tomorrow and see what they want from me. They are OK and they like me very much. And i will never behave as a spineless creature any more!

Lord, i want to cry, but i've already cried for 2 hours. That's enough. It's a good thing that the diary is in the Net, otherwise it would have soaked in fucking tears.

I'm putting 2 e-mails in, the ones that brought me in this turmoil.


Dear Matthias,
Just today i was in club with Masha and i told her that i have a feeling that you are dating that polish girl. Ha, i guess that i got some of my grandfa's gifts after all.

Someway i felt something.. For several days i was disturbed and i even went to the Conservatory yesterday all alone just to get calm.
Thus your bad news are partly no news for me.

You know, i wrote an abstract here that was as long as my usual entries in the diary. But it was rubbish and i deleted it.

I suppose you want to know my reaction to your so carefully worded message.
I'm crying, i have a splitting headache, i do not hate you, i do not pity myself. I need to think.

We had good time together and i think it's better to remember the best. I can't say that i'm happy for you, it would be a lie, but i do not hate you or the girl. I wish you only the best.

OK, i'll write it only once, cause it's the most humilitating thing i've ever written or spoken in my life. I still love you and nothing can be done about it. If the decision of yours is to be friends then so be it.


Also i thank you for this e-mail. Were it not, i would look for you in chat and ask questions, and it would be more painful for me if you broke the news that way. I suppose it was difficult for you to write it.

Spare me any other apologizes you could come with.

Lena

P.S. Say hi from me to Joerg and Friedhelm.
P.P.S. I guess we won't meet in Finland then.


Matthias wrote:

Dear Lena,

you might have been guessing it by now. My ICQ silence has a reason. Unfortunately that will be nothing you will like to hear.

That girl I have been meeting, I should say dating. It is like we have fallen in love with one another. For both of us such strong feeling we never experienced before. I know that this must be the last thing you like to hear and certainly this wasn't planned. Hmm those things happen.

Now if you are angry about me, I can understand that. But I like you as a friend. Very much so. So if there is a chance to stay friends, I would be quite happy. Nobody can know how long this relationship will work, but god knows I really want it to last. So please forgive me!

Matthias

Mama mia, and i got it when i very happily returned from the party! Though there may be no good timing for breaking such news. Silly one thinks that i'm angry with him. Ha! i'm much more angry with myself for having a weak spot.

Should i write any moral here? Something like: happy ends are only in fairy-tales and Hollywood films? No, love is irrational and therefore there can be no logical conclusion here. I just promise myself never to love again.